Busy End of Week

Thursday night we went to an annual family picnic for Minnesota Hands and Voices for families with deaf/hard of hearing children. I figured it'd be nice for Anna to see other kids with hearing aids. Here's a picture they took of her with Jessica in the background. They were watching a magician. They've asked if they can use this picture in promotional stuff.

Friday Jessica and I had a date at Caribou Coffee, then went garage saling. After a doctor's appointment in the afternoon, we decided to just stay home in the evening. I read more of my Harry Potter book (finished #3 now) while the girls played with their Webkinz. Saturday we went to a circus. The girls loved it and I loved watching especially Anna in her excitement. They got to ride an elephant, pony and camel.

Sunday I babysat a friend's two girls. They all had a fun playdate. I finally got caught up on all my quilt square swaps. I'm mailing them today. What a relief! I'm about a month or more behind in mailing them all out. I'll mail my August bib swaps out today as well. Hopefully tomorrow I'll get to the hairbows and secret pal/buddy items. I've got them all, but sometimes it takes awhile to package them and mail them.

I'm grappling with daycare issues. My daycare provider might not be able to do after school care now and the school's rates are utterly ridiculous. I don't know how anyone can afford them. I just know for sure that I can't. I'd lose my house and Amanda. They are more than double what I pay now and even higher than I paid when my girls were babies. School starts 2 weeks from tomorrow. I may just have to adjust hours at work. There isn't a school release day until October 18th, so I have a little time to check into what to do for those full days. I'd like to stick with my current provider, but she doesn't know what she's going to do. She told me a couple of weeks ago she got a job working 8-2, but now she doesn't know when she'll start and what her hours will be. We go camping next week, so my last day with her could be Thursday. Then again, it may all work out for after school or she may be available for school release days, I just don't know. I like the idea of not having to pay for daycare except release days, but the juggling might really wear me out.

Anyway, I wish this would get worked out so I can sleep again. I guess all I know is Amanda won't have the same provider as Jessica and Anna had, but that I pretty much expected when my current provider got down to just 2 families with kids who'll be in school all day starting in September.

It has also rained all weekend and is supposed to rain all week. I sure hope its nice "up north" next week when we go to Itasca.

Harry Potter & Webkinz

So I've decided to jump on the Harry Potter craze and read the books. I hadn't read any before and since Jess is getting close to an age where she might want to read them, I thought I'd read them first. Found them on a pretty good deal on amazon. I started the first one Saturday night and finished it Sunday night. I started the second one last night and am about a third of the way through. They're easy reads so far, but the books get longer after these. Now I want to see the movies!

My girls have barely read anything all summer and I figure if I sit and read some books, especially ones they've heard of, it might encourage them to pick up a book, too. Right now they are totally into their Webkinz. They got a letter and a gift from someone last night. I may need to check into that a little more, too.

Tears

There was a little girl on one of the waiting child lists that I had seen back at the beginning of 2006 that I fell in love with. She is right in between my girls and has a special need I've seriously considered. At the time I just prayed for her to find a family while trying to figure some way to adopt her myself. It was probably a month or more before someone finally requested her, so I put her out of my mind. Fast forward to November, 2006, right after my dossier went to China, and this little girl shows up on the list again. This time, the agency says anyone DTC with another agency can apply for her. Again, I wracked my brain trying to come up with someone I might borrow the money from to afford the travel portion of the adoption. I sent the agency pictures I still had on my computer because they only had sad pictures. I had a copy of the updated happy ones. While trying to decide if she was really right for my family, someone else applied for her and I had 30 minutes to apply for her if I wanted to. I was in the process of doing more research on her need. I had talked to one of Anna's audiologist's and had a call in to another. But I just couldn't make a decision in 30 minutes and I knew if someone else was ready, she was not meant to be mine. I tell you though, I really cried, as I really did want her.

Today I ran across the website of the family that is adopting her. Actually they've just adopted her and are flying to Guangzhou tomorrow for the last leg of their journey. I'm very happy for her and for the family. Obviously they are meant to be her family. They are very happy and were ready to jump on a plane and get her. But, here I sit quite weapy again. I really did want her. I know she was not meant to be mine. And I'm so glad she has a family. I just wish it could have been me.


Anyway, I still have her picture on my bulletin board at work and I still have a couple in my purse. I guess it's time to take them down/out and totally move on. I don't know if its really appropriate to post her picture. I really am happy she's found a family. I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself because of the really long wait, even though I need the long wait to save the funds.

Jessica Danced at Normandale Lake Bandshell last week.

Our children are not ours because they share our genes...
they are ours because we have had the audacity to envision them.
That, at the end of the day...or long sleepless night, is how love really works.
--- Unknown

China Population

According to the CIA (cia.gov) website, here is the population of China (July 2007 est)

Population:
1,321,851,888

Age structure:
0-14 years: 20.4% (male 143,527,634/female 126,607,344)
15-64 years: 71.7% (male 487,079,770/female 460,596,384)
65 years and over: 7.9% (male 49,683,856/female 54,356,900)

Is Amanda one of these 1.3 billion people? Is she born? Is she a registered person or one of the forgotten baby girls? And where might she be? Sometimes its so hard not knowing.

Summer Blues and the Weekend

Friday I brought the girls to dance, freaked a little still driving over the river bridges. They did a recital to for all the parents at 4:30 since it was the end of their 2 week camp and to show everyone what they'd learned. It was nice. Then we went to a Chinese buffet with another family.

Saturday we were supposed to go to the waterpark with friends, but it was kind of cold and very dreary especially considering how the weather has been. Too cold to go swimming in an unheated pool. So I sat around and basically did nothing. I was very down. I didn't even walk 1000 steps on Saturday. How pathetic is that?! I'm down about the long wait, but to be honest, I can't afford the travel/China portion of the adoption fees at this point. I don't even know where I'd come up with them, so in a way, the wait is a good thing. Part of me thinks I may go through this long wait, get my referral, and then have to back out.
Either that or I won't be able to take anyone with me to get Amanda. I promised Jessica I would take her and Anna is planning on it too although she knows she's not promised it. Could I take any time off at all? I don't get any paid leave, just whatever vacation days I take. Will I be able to afford daycare? My current daycare situation is kind of up in the air since she now only has school age kids and is looking for a new job/career. I know she wants to continue to take the kids, but if she gets a day job, I'll be scrambling. I don't want to make other plans though as I love my daycare provider. I've been with her for 7 years and would prefer to stay with her. I'm just nervous that she may not have a choice and decide to hang it all up leaving the other mom and I to scramble. I know that's a big part of my current "blues". That and money. I never seem to have any.

Anyway, I needed to snap out of my Saturday mood, so on Sunday I read the paper for the first time in a really long time and then decided to take the girls to a movie. It wasn't nice enough for the waterpark, so we decided on a movie to see "Hairspray". Jessica loved it and wants to know when it will come out on DVD. Anna enjoyed it, but didn't understand it as much. I was a little worried about the subject matter because it takes place in 1962 and deals with segregation, but Jess has studied about Martin Luther King, Jr. in school, so totally understood the whole premise.

The Stork Has Landed, But It's a Tough Day in Minnesota

The stork has landed at my agency. LID's through November 21, 2005. Lots of families will see their children's pictures for the first time. Since GWCA did not get any referrals in July, it's pretty exciting to see referrals come a little earlier than expected.

On the other hand, I've moved from shock to sadness about the tragedy in Minneapolis where the I35W bridge collapsed over the river. Last night I couldn't tear my eyes off the television coverage. My girls came home from dance camp around 5:30 and then we ran some errands including going out for supper. The waiter came over and told me of the bridge collapse. I just could not believe it. I kept trying to figure out if I'd know anyone at all who might be driving in that area at 6:00. I was glad my girls were home safe and sound. Then I started to wonder how I was going to bring them to dance camp today since my normal route was the alternate route they kept posting. Twice as many cars? What time did I have to leave to get there at a decent time? I ended up talking to a friend and coming up with some alternate routes that didn't involve freeways/interstates. My kids were aware of the bridge collapse, but were more interested in playing on the Webkinz site. I'm glad of that. It allowed me the opportunity to watch it all. I needed that. Things like that just don't happen here! Then this morning I started to realize that the bridge won't be rebuilt for maybe another 2 years, meaning traffic will be tied up for a lot longer than a couple of days.

Anyway, please send your good thoughts to the people somehow involved in this tragedy - those who were killed or injured, relatives, the workers, the volunteers, the good samaritans, the rescue workers, etc. I now just want to sit and cry for everyone involved.

I Had An Adoption Dream

The other night I had an adoption dream. I dreamt that I was offered a child either born in the fall of 1996 or one born October 18, 2008. If neither was okay, I could have gotten a child born September 30, 2005, but they really wanted me to have the one born in October, 2008. I thought about it and I did not want to disrupt birth order, Jessica has to remain the oldest, that I'm sure. I kind of wanted the one born in September, 2005, but I'm not sure why she wasn't available or why they didn't really want me to have her. Maybe she was meant for someone else. So in my dream, I took the one born October 18, 2008.

Of course that's not the way it happens in China. You don't get to choose, you just get a referral which you accept on faither unless there is a really good (medical) reason for declining.

So, do you believe in dreams? If so, does this mean Amanda might be born in late 2008, meaning I won't get her referral until probably late 2009? Does this mean referrals might come in October, 2008? Is this just another wacky adoption dream (I've had them with each wait) with no significance at all to the dates? What do you think? I'd like to believe there's some significance. But when I was waiting for Jessica I had a dream I was at the airport and they insisted I adopt a 16 year old blonde-haired, blue-eyed boy from Norway. When I was waiting for Anna, I dreamt went to my college where the children were all waiting for us to pick them up. I came late and my child was named Alexander. Another blue-eyed, blonde-haired boy but this time from Russia. He had a stinky diaper and was running all over and I couldn't catch him. I didn't have any diapers or pull-ups with me and all the clothes I had were pink. Neither of these dreams had any significance other than the dream with Anna, I had just put away summer clothes and I had thought, what if I get a boy and I have all these pink clothes?

I'm Tired Today

The heat just drains me.
I've been carpooling in the morning last week and this week to my girl's dance camp. They're really enjoying it. In our spare time, we've been going to the water park a lot. It's only about 5 minutes from our house and we have season passes. Only one summer concert left. But where did the summer go? Two more camping trips in August. My house is a complete disaster area. I'm sure I'd qualify for Clean House or Clean Sweep or one of those shows right now. I offered to pay my girls to help me clean. Anna took me up on the offer last night and cleaned the living room. She actually did a good job. Usually she just moves things from one pile to another, but she actually cleaned, even under the couch. I only gave her $1. It probably should have been more, but she was happy with it. Jessica got too involved in Age of Love to clean. She also had a new dance teacher who was "very hard" according to most of the girls, so I think she was really tired. At least we've been enjoying the summer, just wish it would last a little longer.