Reflecting

11 years ago around this time of year (right before Valentine's Day) I started to believe I'd really be able to adopt from China some day. I bought a couple of size 9 month outfits and hung them on my bedroom door knob so I could look at them every day. It was a only a few weeks later, March 2nd, 2009 that I finally started the process and sent my application in to adopt my first daughter. I had researched, prayed, and dreamed about it for a good 3 1/2 years before then. I'm so luckly that I was able to adopt not just my Jessica, but also Anna. Now I also wait for Amanda. I still hope, pray, and believe that one day, she will finally come home.

Who would have ever thought that over 3 years after having my dossier logged in in China, that I would still be waiting?! The excitement was so great in the beginning. I moderate not only the November LID group, but also the October. We were doing swaps and all kinds of really fun activities. But the wait has dragged on. No one is talking on our groups. Many have switched to special needs and have been home with their children a long time. Several have switched countries. Several have decided to pull their dossiers. Someone posted yesterday that they decided to pull their dossier and I am so sad for them. I know it was a very difficult decision. In many ways, I understand it. But I am so sad that the child they dreamed about for 3 1/2 years give or take will never join their family.

Life had changed so much for all of the families waiting. Sometimes I wish those of us still waiting were talking more. I pull up their blogs and so many have not posted for months on end. But I understand. What is there to say? There is no light at the end of the tunnel. Other than CCAA is referring 2006 dossiers and ours is 2006 and not 2007, 2008, 2009 or 2010. I do believe for those of us who hang in there, there will be a baby/child some day. We just don't know how long we'll have to hang in there. I know my life is much different than it was 3 1/2 years ago. But the decisions I am making are for the good of my family and because no matter what I propose to my girls, they still want Amanda over almost anything else I've asked them "what if?"

For those who are home with their children - congratulations! We are all truly happy for you, it's just difficult sometimes to know you found joy and we're still waiting. For those waiting, I'm right there with you. I realize I'm one of the lucky ones who already has 2 wonderful daughters from China. But I also remember the ache of wanting my first, Jessica. I ached for Anna and I ache for Amanda as well. It's not quite the same as the first ache, I know that and I so feel for you. I do have faith that we will all someday get our children. I just long for the days when we think 7 or even 13 months is forever (like I did when I was waiting for Jessica and Anna).

So there you go. I guess seeing Lisa pull out got me to thinking. I pray that well all find peace in our decisions and that the children waiting in China and around the world for their forever families find their families.